Why Worry Mars?

A Caprice on Wireless Telegraphy by Herman Allison

The trouble with Nikola Tesla seems to be that he has not got enough room. Marconi potters about telegraphy from Dover to Calais across the Channel without wires. Tesla comes out with the patents of his plan of wireless telegraphy across the Atlantic all cut and dried.

Tesla is a man of imagination; you can’t pin him down to a measly continent; the earth is not big enough. He wants to hitch on to the sun and stars and the outer darkness. For my part I am quite ready to believe in any project he may have in his coat tail pocket for driving ships across the Atlantic in a few hours by means of concentrated bottled and liquefied moonbeams. I am prepared for beamships.

But the Atlantic Ocean makes Tesla tired. He wants elbow room. This is why I am a little astonished at his modest propositions to talk with Mars. Why not ring up Neptune and the Polar Star right away! Mars seems such a half way sort of job.

Let me say at once that I do not at all approve of gossipping with outside planets, flighty comets, or fixed stars. For one thing, it shows a spirit of distraction. Humanity is always wanting to get somewhere else. “Here” has always been an undesirable locality; “elsewhere” is just heaven — until you get stuck up there.

Some such feeling as this appears to be at the bottom of the universal desire to worry Mars. The earth won’t do for most of us. We want Mars and Saturn and the Milky way and if it could be managed to throw in a few satellites we’d just take them and want more. It has been said of a British member of Parliament that he has left directions for a Union Jack flag to be buried with his remains. Paradise is good enough for him, he says, and if they refuse him admittance he will annex it.

Mars is all right. Why worry Mars? Because Mars is inhabited, many may argue. This notion is derived from supposed statements by eminent astrologists, who admittedly know nothing at all about the matter. The truth is, we like to play at believing that Mars may be inhabited; but, as a matter of fact, we cannot even half believe anything of the sort. Human nature is much too conceited and small minded to really imagine or conceive other beings in other worlds.

The close of the century gave amusing proof of our smug self-satisfaction. The articles that were written, the statistics that were fired and the comparative pictures that were drawn! We were mighty pleased with ourselves. We had invented nearly everything, had fostered this and that great man; industry, religion, science and most other abstract terms were hurled about with superlative progress tacked on to their tails — it was a great century; we were great!

While hugging ourselves in this manner we are morally incapable of assuming a state of mind that shall really grant the possibility of other intellectual life.

The “playing at Mars” attitude is very reminiscent of the old lady who looked under her bed every night before retiring to see if there was a burglar in hiding. She kept up the practice for fifty years. One night there was a burglar!

Much in the same way we are continually poking about for a Martian, without in the least expecting a Martian or preparing for a Martian. When, finally, the Martian does appear there is sure to be apoplexy or paralysis or something sudden.

Can Mars help the earth? Inquisitiveness does not appear as yet to have taken this direction. Viewed through a telescope, Mars has the air of being a particularly dull and unprofitable sort of place. No doubt, however, it might improve on closer acquaintance. And I suggest that an influential committee be formed to inquire into the desirability of inviting eminent Martian experts to settle up the Panama or Nicaragua business. They should be able to fix things with economy and despatch — perhaps, even without treaties.

In christening the erubescent, much boomed planet, Mars, there is an assumption that its possible inhabitants are likely to be of a warlike nature. Should this prove correct, here is an excellent opportunity for Britain to chum up with a new ally. Aided by her record transport facilities, perhaps a friendly contingent or so from Mars could be induced to come and end the Boer war.

Otherwise I do not see how Mars is going to be of any immediate help to the earth. There is of course the other side of the question, Can we help Mars? Generosity and mutual forbearance are such distinguishing traits of earthly existence that, were through communication established, we should be tumbling over each other in our anxiety to help Mars — as long as it did not cost anything. One of the first questions to be signalled would be: —

“Do you believe in God?”

“Yes;” from Mars. “Have done so for ten thousand years.”

“That’s not the right one. You must have made a mistake.”

“Excuse us for living;” from Mars.

“Will pray for you. Hymn books and missionaries per next air mail.”

And then there would be a monster “Mars Conversion Fund.” And presently a missionary would start off with a handbag. His wife would follow with the heavy baggage. Then the punitive expedition and the war correspondents and reinforcements. Finally, the army of occupation. This would complete the first stage of Mars’ conversion.

But after all, what is the use of carrying on with a little hole in the corner planet like Mars. It is only one-seventh the size of the earth; so I feel perfectly confident that none of our prominent present day politicians has given the subject a thought.